It’s a fact that all celebrities are also great decision makers. On more than one occasion, in the midst of an untimely mental debacle I have wanted nothing more than to seek advisory from John Stamos or Patrick Stewart. Because of their constant inaccessibility though, I find myself constantly turning to my miracle billiard sphere, which directs me down the road of inevitable fate. At a recent visitation to our local Starbucks coffee store Ben and I had a revelation. Here is the exact transcript.

Jason (Barrister) – Room for cream sir?

Harry: oh…um…give me a moment.

Ben: Do you ever wish that Paul Giamatti could just tell you what to do, so you wouldn’t have to think so hard?

Harry: Everyday.

Ben: How you deal with it?

Harry: miracle billiard sphere.

Ben: I don’t know what that means.

(Then I showed him my globe and apparently it’s called a magic eight ball, which is not what I saw advertised, but he gets really upset when I speak against him, so I just went with it.)

Harry: That’d be cool if they made Paul Giamatti 8 balls so that decisions like these could be made quicker and easier.

Ben: Those probably wouldn’t sell. No one really watches Paul Giamatti movies. What about Andrew W.K. 8 Balls?

Harry: OMG! Let’s bring that up at the next meeting.

So at our next meeting, we brought up the idea of celebrity 8 balls to the rest of the troupe, and in a 4 to1 vote in favor of the idea*, celebrity billiard spheres became “Team Win Business Proposal 1”. Here is how we plan on pitching the idea to Mattel.

So….Andrew W. K. likes partying. I won’t belabor it. He puts out a disk with like, what, 10 tracks? 16 of them are about partying, -6 of them are about the dualism of human relationships. His message is direct, not like any of those bands who dabble in “profound” lyrics or “real” music. They and their degree from Berkeley School of Music just make me pensive, which is the LAST thing I want to be feeling when I observe art. People like Andrew W.K. make life easy. SO wouldn’t it be nice if you could capture their thinking patterns in a plastic ball designed like pawn in a recreational bar game. What if you could make a magic 8 ball specifically based on the advice given by Andrew W.K.?! I know what I would do. I would use it; Often.

“But Harry, what would his advice be?” you might ask if you can’t follow logical progression of thought in a written paragraph. The answer is PARTY. Every single one answer is PARTY. Shake Andrew W.K. up and you get the 5 letter one word exclamation that is the answer to questions like:

What do I do when my grandmother burns the cream of wheat the morning after my divorce papers go through and all I have with me is this room temperature bottle of Tanqueray? What should we do tonight? What should we do less of so that we don’t have to “fix everything” the next morning by going to the barbershop and buying a replacement carrot peeler and bookshelf at Wal-Mart? Do you think this sauce needs a little more cilantro?

The last one doesn’t work as much, but it’s only one word so you can’t have high expectations. Maybe by now you’ve thought to yourself, “I really wish I would have thought of that. I also would love to get out of debt.” You’re going to have to sell commercial real estate or take over your dad’s mafia position to pay your credit card bill. I already have the goods. Looking for magic 8 balls of your other favorite celebrities? Here’s a list of them and the advice they might give.

Oprah: Gain weight/lose weight/buy everyone you know a car/Take back the car

Mary-Kate Olsen: Sleep/do cocaine

Ashley Olson: look emaciated/do cocaine/look emaciated by doing cocaine

Keanu Reeves: stare blankly/try to get a job

Courtney Love: make it look like a suicide/wipe the prints

Heath Ledger: ?

Lil’ Wayne: do every drug simultaneously/don’t enunciate/get a tattoo on your face.

Winona Ryder: be a brilliant actress/shoplift/never overcome your emotional problems

Thom Yorke: No one will ever know.

John Stamos: Be awesome at everything/remarry Rebecca Romijn

You get the idea. I think we are sitting on a goldmine.

*Dave voted “no” in an act of rebellion because we wrote “Jonathan Taylor Thomas” all over his face when he was sleeping the night before. It looked hilarious the next day.

(by Harry Bauer and Ben Majoy)